Ask Keeper Part II

Hello, Keeper here! Thanks for all your emails folks. I can't answer all of them, but here are a couple to start with:

Dear Keeper,
I have been with my girlfriend for about eight months. Over the summer, she became close friends with a male co-worker. They continue to talk all the time, usually through e-mail and instant message. From the messages he leaves and the way he talks to her, I think that he's romantically interested in her. I mentioned it once to her, but she doesn't believe he's after anything more than friendship. She recently invited him to go with her to a big local party. I'll also be at the same bash, but my girlfriend is a bit of a party girl and a flirt, and I'm afraid that after a night of drinking, he'll try to make a move on her. I'm not sure what to do if that happens. Should I conduct myself differently at the party if he's in attendance?

—Concerned Boyfriend

I found the third line of your letter most interesting (i.e., “From the messages he leaves….”). You’ve been reading her emails haven’t you? From this line, and the rest of the email, I surmise that there is little trust left in your relationship, if there was any to begin with in the first place.

Also, if your “girlfriend” accompanies a boy to a party, and it’s not you, you are not her boyfriend! Your conduct at the party is the least of your problems. End the relationship and move on. It’ll be better for the both of ya!

Woof, woof!

Dear Keeper,
Do you have any advice for guys like me in high school who are trying desperately to date a girl. Most of my friends have steady girlfriends and a lot of them already have gone all the way. I haven’t even kissed a girl and I’m fifteen. I’ve asked a few girls out but they’ve turned me down and always seem to go for older guys. Please help!

-Virgin forever

I do have advice for you, but it’s basically a “bad news first” sort of thing, so prepare yourself. The bad news is, chances are you’re going to be a virgin for quite a while. The teen years are tough my friend, and they do plod on, sort of like unjust wars in Middle Eastern countries. But I have some good news of sorts. It’s a two-parter so here goes:

Part 1) Chances are your friends are lying through their teeth about “going all the way”, so you don’t have to feel alone, and

Part 2) There are some things you can do right now that will prepare you to get to that post-virginity state you so desire.

First of all, you can start with some general personal grooming. At fifteen, you are smack dab in the middle of the hormonal throes of puberty, and sometimes a regular schedule of showering, combing your hair, washing your face, using deodorant will do wonders for your complexion (also helps with the B.O.). Developing a good grooming routine now will help you considerably down the road.

Secondly, I don’t know if women can smell desperation like us dogs can, but I’m pretty sure they can recognize when a “nice” guy is just interested in hooking up so that he can get some cred with his friends. The next time you’re chatting someone up, focus on the conversation, rather than getting lucky. May not hook up with the next girl you meet, but maybe you’ll meet a good friend, and it will certainly relive some of that awkward tension that leads to folks getting turned down.

Finally, dude, just be patient. Relax, and enjoy the ride as best you can. The best thing about being 15 and single is that you are free. All relationships, even the best ones, require the participants to commit in ways I’m not sure a 15 year old needs to consider. Just chill out, brother and keep the faith. Before you know it, Ms. Right will appear.

Woof, woof.

Do you have any questions for Keeper? Send your emails to askkeeperthedog@yahoo.com.

Ask Keeper

Valentine's Day soon approaches, and if you're like me, you may need some relationship advice. That's why Dr. Keeper, our resident relationship expert is offering to provide the cure to whatever romantically ails ya. He may not have a degree in psycology, but he did grow up on a dog racing track from Florida. He's willing to share his valuable life experience with you, free of charge!

Send your relationship questions to askkeeperthedog@yahoo.com. His answers will be posted here on this 'blog. Your identity will be kept in the strictest confidence.

"Keeper's Runs" (or "My dog has Mud-Butt!")

To be sung to the tune of Delia’s Gone, by Johnny Cash.

Keeper! Oh, Keeper! He’s full of doggy fun.

Maybe that’s why we’re so sad he had a bad case of the runs.

Keeper’s runs, oh my Lord! Keeper’s runs.

When we first got him, we new he had adoption stress,

And folks told us it was normal for him to make a runny mess.

A runny mess, one more time! A runny mess.

It didn’t take long for Keeper to earn a place in our hearts.

That's why we turned blind eye (and nose) to his stinky, smelly farts.

Smelly farts, loaves and fishes! Smelly farts.

But we knew it was really bad when we came through our front door,

and discovered that ol’ Keeper had the runs on our kitchen floor.

Kitchen floor, thank God for tile! Our kitchen floor.

We gave you a bland food diet, and took you to the vet's,

And to alleviate your symptoms we gave you a lot of hugs and pets.

Hugs and pets! One more round of hugs and pets.

Today when we took him walkin’, Keeper went in the neighbor’s yard,

And not only were his farts not stinky, his poop was nice and hard.

Nice and hard, thank the Lord! Nice and hard.

Keeper! Good boy, Keeper. He’s back to having fun.

And he loves it when I sing this song about his old case of the runs.

Keeper’s runs. Diarrhea! Keeper’s runs!

Keeper's First Blog Entry

We interrupt today's regularly scheduled blog entry. Today, Keeper, our new greyhound, decided to post the first of his hopefully ongoing journal entry's. Today's topic: Keepers first day.

Date: Oct. 24, 2006

1:00 PM
Linda-Mom and I went to Oakville to meet my new owner Teresa-Mom. After a quick walk and some chatting back and forth, I was packed up into the Blue Car. It smelled like French fries, which is a bit weird. Linda-Mom started to cry, which was a bit sad. I will miss Linda-Mom. Her house smelled nice and she had a lot of great stuff to chew on. Especially Tessa-Owl, which I’m happy to find out I get to keep! Tessa-Owl smells a bit like Linda-Mom. I’m beginning to become an “old-hat” at this foster business though, so I’m starting to get used to saying goodbye.

1:00 – 2:00
Drove for a long while. Was listening to CBC radio. It seems like Madonna is adopting a third-world baby, presumably to match her new Fendi handbag, or something. Man, humans are weird!

2:00
Got to the new house. Teresa-Mom led me to the backyard for a long pee. Ahhh! How satisfying!
2:00 – 3:00
Inspected the new house. I must say the new house is really different than Linda-Mom’s house. Not bad though, and the backyard is a reasonable size. Lots of birds at the bird feeder, and I smell in the air a hint of rabbit and squirrel. That’s promising! Teresa-Mom showed me my new dog bed. Grabbed Tessa-Owl and laid down for a nap.

3:00 – 4:00
I’ll say this about Teresa-Mom, she gives a lot of good pets. Followed her to the kitchen and laid down for a while. More petting. Ahhh, life is good!

4:30
This dude walks into the house. Black Guy, kinda funny looking. Smells like French fries, which solves that mystery. Bonus, he too loves to gives pets!

4:30 – 5:00
Teresa-Mom and the Black Guy take me upstairs and sort of lavish me with a lot of attention. There is much petting and grooming, and a lot of saying my name over an over again. Turns out the Black Guy has a pocket full of kibble which he feeds to me one by one. Score! Hey, I grew up on a race track in Florida , I know an easy mark when I see one.

5:00 - 5:30
The Black Guy grabs a clicker. He feeds me a bit of kibble and clicks the clicker. He feeds me another bit of kibble and clicks the clicker. This happens again, and again, and again…. After about the tenth time I want to tell him: “Hey buddy, I get it! Clicker equals food. Now chill out!” But, you know owners. You have to indulge them for a bit in order to train them right. He gives up on the clicker after fifteen tries.

5:30
Finally! Some food. Yummy! Ate in my new crate. It’s got that “new crate” smell…

6:00
After another pee, Teresa-Mom, the Black-Dude and I bundle up for a nice walk. It’s kinda cold up here in Canada , and I would be freezing my gonads off, if I had any. (Yuk-yuk!) But Teresa-Mom outfits me with a doggy coat and we are set. It’s pretty interesting around here. There’s cars, there’s other dogs, there’s people a plenty. The owner’s try to cut the walk short, but in the end I convince them to give me another go around the block. We visit two parks, see more dogs. At one point I get confused and I mistake this big blowing leaf for a squirrel. How embarrassing!

7:00
The weird thing about owners is how concerned they are about poop. I guess they were expecting me to poop during the walk, but hey folks, I’m not ready. Talk about pressure! After the walk we go back inside. Every 10 to 15 minutes they take me outside again for a poop. Umm, still not ready, folks! Thankfully, they wise up and give it a rest.

7:00 – 10:00
Get the teeth brushed. Some more pets. A treat or two and then… a nice long nap. Ahhhh, it’s comfortable here!

10:00
Bedtime for the owners. The Black Guy and I go outside for the last time that night, which works out for me because I’m finally ready for a poop. Again with the poop fixation. I really don’t understand why owners feel the need to pick up the poop with a plastic bag. Makes wanna shout: “Hey buddy, I left that there for a reason!” Then when we go back inside, the Black Guy and Teresa-Mom have this discussion about the consistency of my poop! How friggin’ weird!

Later:
At first, I couldn’t figure where they wanted me to sleep. Then I figure out as they make up a spot for me in the bedroom. What the hell was wrong with the upstairs den? Ahhh, owners… Anyways, I think it’s gonna be okay living here.

Peace out!