All Time Best: Movies That Helped Me Through Puberty

The Parent Trap, 1961



Ah, Hayley Mills... my first cinematic crush...
I remember when I first watched that movie, I thought two things: 1) I was convinced I was going to marry Hayley Mills; and 2) rich white people sure do have weird problems. Only white people would split up their twins as part of a divorce settlement. The Parent Trap is one of those movies that will never be remade with a black cast. Is that a sterotype? Maybe, imagine remaking Boyz In The Hood with white people. Just doesn't work.

Summer Lovers, 1982


The perfect "Skinemax" movie. To this day, I couldn't tell you what this movie is about. But this was my first exposure to a young Daryl Hannah, whom it seemed was determined to film every scene covered in a layer of cooking oil. (Ugh, my dog just farted as I was reminiscing about that movie. I guess I should move on...)


Return of the Jedi, 1983


Man, Jabba the Hutt was a pimp! He was like Tatooine's version of Snoop Dogg. Who else could get a intergalactic ambassador to dress in a silk and gold bikini?




Did he have to threaten to bitch slap her with his tail? Say what you will about Jabba, his pimp-hand was strong!



Risky Business, 1983



Between the train scene, and the famous "Old Time Rock and Roll" scene, I was at odds to figure out who was prettier: Rebecca De Mornay...

or Tom Cruise...



As a result, a young me was introduced to the concept of "sexual confusion"...

Fast Times at Ridgemont High, 1982


...which was promptly straightened out by this movie. The Phoebe Cates "pool scene" was a true highlight, but I also developed a long-term, annoyingly un-requited crush on Jennifer Jason Leigh.



Career Opportunities, 1991

Not one of John Hughes's best movies, but earns a special place on this list for one scene, and one scene alone: Jennifer Connelly on a coin-operated rocking horse!

A very powerful image, indeed. The day after I watched that movie, I noticed hairs in places that I never had hairs growing before....



Ha, ha... I know... gross...



Dirty Dancing, 1987


Patrick Swayze vs. Jennifer Grey? Again with the sexual confusion!


After watching this movie fans asked: Could the "Sawyze-dawg" get any hotter? Road House proved that answer was a resounding: "Yes!".


Bull Durham, 1988

Susan Sarandon should be declared a national treasure.

The Opening Title Sequence to Do the Right Thing, 1989

Rosie... my sweet Rosie Perez... The physical embodiment of global warming, Rosie was singularly responsible for raising the heat level in a movie about the hottest day in the summer. Made me want to move to Bed-Stuy, Do or Die!

Frankie and Johnny, 1991

If all the previous movies on the list represent cinematic crushes, Frankie and Johnny represents true love, in all its lovely, horrible, painful, redemptive glory. My favorite scene, is the one in the flower market, an unexpected garden of Eden in the midst of urban New York, where Al Pachino as Johnny is trying to convince Michelle Phiffer's Frankie to spend the night with him. The sound goes down and the music overtakes the dialogue, and I just was dying to know what he said to convince her. In my young mind, I always thought if I could figure out what Johnny said to Frankie that night, I could melt the heart of any girl in the world. One of the best movies ever!

All Time Best Voices of Hip Hip

It takes more than just lyrics and bling to be a good Hip Hop artist. The best Hip Hop artists, the ones born to bless a mic have a...voice. It's not just about what they say, but something about how they say it freezes you in your tracks and forces you to listen. Here's my list of the ten best voices of Hip Hop.

10. Freaky Tah
Tah was a member of the group Lost Boyz, along with Mr. Cheeks, Pretty Lou and DJ Spigg Nice, and was more of a hype man than an MC (although he did rhyme on some of the LB's tracks). A hype man generally adds back up vocals to the main rhyme and Tah's characteristic high-pitched screech kept him from being lost in the background. On March 28, 1999, Freaky Tah was shot to death while exiting the Sheraton Hotel in Queens, NY. His death still resonates to this day, and he is mourned often times in the same breath with Biggie Smalls and Tupac.



9. Q-Tip
As a member of A Tribe Called Quest, Tip once considered one of Hip Hop’s hippies, along with De La Soul, Jungle Brother’s, Black Sheep and Leaders of the New School. But this brother should not be dismissed so easily. His lyrics are often very complex, leaden with poetic symbolism and deal with a range of social issues such as the exploitation of Hip Hop artists, date rape and violence in the Hip Hop culture. Given, Q-Tip’s high-pitch, fuzzy flow, and off-beat rhyme scheme it’s often hard to decipher what he’s saying upon first listen. But his somnambulistic style is irresistible and compelling, and the brother is so damn deep, his rhymes never get old. There’s always something new to discover in a Q-Tip lyric.



8. Busta Rhymes
Busta is a contemporary of Q-Tip from his Leaders of the New School days, but he is almost completely opposite in every way. Tip’s mellow flow invites you to listen. Busta’s bombastic voice and outlandish presentation grabs you forcefully by the shoulders and forces you to listen. This brother ain’t about subtlety.



Busta is all about making as big a noise as you can in as short of time as you can for maximum explosive yield. He’s a megaton bomb, but don’t sleep, baby. I’ve seen this brother do a smooth, fly-ass, pimp-lover freestyle in an uncharacteristic low-key mode that may have been even more arresting than his usual presentation.

7. Redman and Method Man
Red (aka: Reggie Noble, The Funk Dr. Spock) and Meth (aka: Johnny Blaze, The Heatseeking Missile) are each accomplished rhymers and individually, they have pushed the art of Hip Hop to a new levels. But when these brothers join forces, like on tracks “How High” and “Da Rockwilder”… ooohhh, shit! Hip Hop culture collectively evolves and reaches unprecedented heights. Redman’s straight ghetto, wild out, higher pitch shout and Method Man, deep, gravelly, rumble complement each other extremely well .



Hollywood tried to tap the creative Red and Meth vein, with TV sitcom and movie deals, but these brothers continue to make their true impact felt on wax.

6. Rah Diggah
The former First Lady of Busta Rhyme’s Flipmode Squad, Rah Digga earned that title by putting in some work with the Fugees and Lyricist Lounge. As a result, the lady has some of the tightest flows imaginable. But the voice, like Busta’s and Redman’s demands your attention. This lady is no content sitting on the sidelines. This lady demands center stage, and fools better watch out!

5. Eminem
I have a hard time with Eminem. He was taken off this list and put back on many times. Right now, Em seems like a parody of himself. But I can’t deny his skills. There are few better than Eminem on a freestyle, and a careful listen to his albums show that he not only pushes the limits of lyrical content, but he also is pushing ways to deliver a rhyme. He’ll rap on an off-beat, on a country music 3-beat, and he’ll rap in between beats and still deliver compelling shit. Also his high-pitch style (reminiscent of the Beastie Boyz and Zach De La Rocha) is impossible to ignore.



It’s hard to give him credit, especially when he keeps marrying and divorcing Kim, but Eminem has well earned his place on any of Hip Hop’s Top Ten List.

4. Lauren Hill
In Hip Hop’s male dominated world, it’s very hard for females to command a spot in the ranks. That’s why the best female Hip Hop artists, like Lauren Hill, tend to be insanely talented. Name me another artist who can sing to you of devastating heartbreak via “Killing Me Softly”, and yet deliver a devastating, blistering dis rap like “Lost Ones”. Her voice, throaty, deep, mature and mad-sexy is unique and undeniable.



3. Notorious B.I.G.
Funny enough, when I first heard of Biggie Smalls, I never really liked him. I just wasn’t into the "Crystal and blig" thing. But there is no denying Biggie’s impact, both positive and negative, on Hip Hop. Biggie’s mic skills are damn near supernatural!

I said it!

I mean this brother was shaming street cats at the age of 17.



To quote comedian D.C. Curry, Biggie was “profane and profound”. His voice was a super deep rumble, a King lion’s roar, and his Jamaican patios inflected speech spoke to me very deeply. Biggie could lace together powerful, complex metaphors faster than anyone, and you could mine his lyrics for years and find new meanings and interpretations.



He was God’s given voice to street hustlers, pimps, drug-dealers and ghetto outcasts. He had a solemn and profound duty to tell their stories, which he did in miraculous tracks like “Suicidal Thoughts” and “10 Crack Commandments”. It’s tragic how his death denied these people a voice, and thus a shot at legitimacy, understanding and compassion from the rest of us. I so sincerely miss this brother.

2. Chuck D
If the Apocalypse needs a play-by-play announcer, Chuck D is the man. He has a prophet’s voice, like Isaiah… like Brother Malcolm’s. In his youth, Chuck’s voice was hard and undeniable, like a car meeting a brick wall.



As he ages, Chuck’s voice has lost some of the edge and sense of urgency it had back in “It Takes a Nation of Millions…” and “Fear of a Black Planet”. He now has the ultimate “Father” voice. Stern, guiding, warning, not so much with the yelling, but still irresistible. It’s the voice that founded Hip Hop culture; that gave Busta Rhymes his name. It’s the voice of hard-earned experience, and is uncompromising as ever.

1. KRS-One
Speaking of prophets... let me tell you of KRS-One. The self-styled “edutainer”, the boon of Hip Hop culture, and the bane to all who can live up to the precedents set by this man. Kris sets a standard so high that mere mortals have no hope of ever meeting it. (Doesn't mean they shouldn't keep trying...)

Now, the problem with most rhymers is that they have to trade of lyrical complexity versus the ability to be understood. Some artists, like Q-Tip, are so charming that they can get away with serving up some deep rhymes while not being all that clear. But every once in a while, God will bless some with phrasing so clear, so precise that it is practically impossible to deny what is being said. Sinatra was such a man and Sarah Vaughn was equally blessed. KRS-One is Hip Hop’s Sinatra (equal in diction as well as ego). I will speak of him as such ‘til my dying day.




Other artists that deserve to make the list (but didn’t because of room):
Run-DMC

(One of Hip Hop’s Founding Fathers. I fully acknowledge my crime for not including them on the list.)

Ludacris

(He and Eminem fought for that number five spot, and as I’m writing this, I regret that he didn’t get a more significant mention.)


Mos Def

(In the Q-Tip vein, but his style, world-view and sense of humor makes him unique.)\



Jill Scott

(More a singer, but if anybody represents the soul of Hip Hop, it’s her.)


Professor X from X-Clan

(“Pink caddy driving, black boot stomping…”)


Humpty Hump

(If Humpty really existed, I would have put him on the list just for the fun factor. But "Humpty Hump" is really Digital Underground's Shock G in a Groucho Marx mask.)



Tupac

(Personally the guy’s voice never really moved me, but he deserves mention because he moves so many other people.)

Artist that some people think should be on the list, but really don’t deserve to be:
Jay-Z

(Can’t deny his lyrical talent, but his voice, though distinctive, doesn’t really move me.)


Nas

(ditto)


Fresh Prince

(Great brother, and notable artist. Love his albums. Did more to mainstream Hip Hop and give it a recognizable face than anybody. Also gets points for not shaming himself and Black people in general like MC Hammer did. But he just doesn’t have that “chills-up-the-spine, give-me-goose bumps” delivery that the others have.)


50 Cent

(Fuck 50 Cent! I hate this guy! Every time I hear him on the radio I wonder: Who gave Mushmouth from “Fat Albert” a mic?)

Truth

The other day I was driving around listening to CBC radio wishing that I could live in a world where politicians always told the truth, when I decided to use my (admittedly: frazzled, overwrought) mind to conceptualize a world where for one day everybody had to tell the truth. I quickly realized that such a world would be less like a Jim Carrey-esque farce and more like a chaotic, ravaged, anarchy like London in 28 Days Later. If we all were forced to tell the truth for one day, the economy would fall, international commerce would grind to a halt and family members would murder each other in the street.

Why?

Because the truth is simply too powerful for us to handle.

Very few people can handle hearing the truth, much less telling the truth. The only people I know who can make a living off of telling the truth are stand-up comedians, and they generally lead miserable, self-destructive lives:

Richard Pryor, 1940-2005
(Once lit himself on fire.)

Sam Kinison, 1953-1992
(Snorted a hell-of-a-lot of cocaine.)

Bill Hicks, 1961-1994
(Smoked and drank all his life. Died of pancreatic cancer.)

That’s the reason so few comedies ever with the Academy Award for best picture. To the best of my knowledge, Annie Hall was the only comedy ever to win best picture.

I tried watching Annie Hall this past summer and I couldn’t get through it. It was so chock full of truth it made my skin crawl!

People always say they want the truth, but we don’t really mean it. The moment somebody starts saying something real, we start laughing, or we try to discredit them by saying that they are either vulgar or crazy. I’m going to prove it too, at great risk to my (ha, ha) reputation.

The following text will contain the top ten unadulterated, undiluted, unedited truths and I see it, and I’m betting something this post going to offend somebody.

Warning! Discretion Advised!

Both the subject matter and the language used to present the subject manner are not censored by the writer. If you are easily offended, your time would be better spent visiting this link:

Top 10 All Time Best Truths as perceived by me.

10) 99% of white people I know love the taste of chicken and watermelon.

99% of the black people I know also love the taste of chicken and watermelon.I cannot understand how such a simple fact of life can be readily accepted for one group of people, but form the basis of ridicule and scorn for another group of people. It’s yet another indication that the human race is still has a long way to go on the evolutionary scale.

9) Every black man in North America went to work this morning wondering if this was the day he was going to get fired. He will wonder the same thing tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. And the day after…

8) It is actually possible to live a fulfilling and rewarding life without… cable television.

7) Kicking a woman out of your organization for wearing a head scarf is just as insidious as forcing a woman to wear a full body veil. A woman should be free to wear what ever she wants and the rest of us should just butt the fuck out!
6) The term “marriage” should be used when two people make a life long love bond to each other, regardless whether the couples are heterosexual or homosexual. Heterosexuals do not hold the moral imperative over the word “marriage”. The one gay couple I know have done more honor and justice to the word “marriage” than… let’s say… Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.”

Then...

...and Now.

5) The War on Terrorism is not really about liberation. It's about oil companies justifying charging us over $4 per gallon for gas. When you look at it from that point of view, George W. Bush is the most successful president in American history.



4) It doesn’t matter if they are big or small… I just plain love boobs.

3) I’ve never felt comfortable in a church. At best I found the typical church service to be boring and at worst, oppressive and creepifying. I never even got married in a church because the only church I could conceive of attending in comfort is that one in the “Blues Brothers”, y’know with James Brown as the pastor and where Jake learns that he’s on a “mission from God”...?

But the truth is… that church never, ever really existed.

2) I do believe in God. I really do think God looks like Samuel L. Jackson. More specifically, he looks like Sam Jackson as “Jules Winnfield” in Pulp Fiction, y’know with the Jheri curl, and the gun, and the wallet that says “Bad Mutherfucker” on it. It may seem blasphemous or psychotic to you, but that image of God gives me absolute peace of mind.

1) The only time I truly feel connected to the universe is when I’m standing smack dab in the middle of a Tang Soo Do class.

There. I’m done telling the truth.

All Time Best Screenplays

A movie screenplay serves two purposes. First of all it is the functional blueprint for the production company. A screenplay can be broken down so that the number crunchers can itemize the budget, number of cast, number of crew, number of locations, props, sets, quantity of photo stock, etc. And thus like any functional document, it’s not the easiest thing to read. But a screenplay also must serve the artistic gods. It must tell a story. It must be readable enough for the cast and crew to be inspired by the tale, and to find the voices of the characters that speak through it. Thus screenplays are necessarily very important documents.

One of my favorite hobbies is reading and collecting screenplays, a hobby made infinitely easier because of the internet. The following list presents my Top 5 favorite screenplays:

5) Spiderman, a “scriptment” by James Cameron.

Generally screenplays follow a very strict and precise format, but James Cameron (widely known for thinking outside the box) generally writes the initial drafts of his movies in a rambling, ungainly, but utterly fun-to-read hybrid of script and prose text which he calls a “scriptment”. These “scriptments” are a free form, free association documentation of Cameron’s creative process, and they prove fascinating and can hold up on repeated readings.

The Spiderman scriptment is particularly interesting because although Cameron’s version of the movie was not ultimately produced, many of the details we see in Sam Rami’s movies can be attributed to Cameron. He is an avowed Spiderman fan, and reportedly worshipped the character as a child, and not surprisingly, he developed concepts that are now indelibly a part of the Spiderman canon.

For example, it was Cameron who came up with the “genetically modified” concept for the spider that ultimately gives Peter Parker his powers, as opposed to the “radioactive” spider in the original comic books. Cameron also theorized that Peter Parker’s web spinning ability developed due to mutation after exposure to the spider. In the comic books, Peter Parker developed a chemical formula for “web fluid”. James Cameron preferred the mutation approach after correctly opining that a teenager on his own could never develop a chemical formula that has eluded Dow Chemical for decades.

In its rough form, the Spiderman scriptment is basically un-shootable, but it’s fun to imagine how cool the movie would be if James Cameron was able to develop the screenplay.

You can find the Spiderman scriptment right…here.

4) Dogma, by Kevin Smith.

If God ever commissions Kevin Smith to write a new book for the Bible, I’ll attend church waaaay more often! The Dogma screenplay shows off Kevin’s gift as a writer. Full of colorful ideas, great characters and profane (and profound) language, Dogma is a great is just a great read! I’d have to say I enjoyed Smith’s concept of the “Last Scion” much better than Dan Brown’s application of the same idea in The DaVinci Code. (Am I the only one who thinks The DaVinci Code would have been much better if it featured a demon made of human feces?)
I once bought a ticket to visit Kevin Smith’s Secret Stash comic book shop in Red Bank, NJ, and I got to meet the man, himself. Not only did I get to see pre-released Dogma special effects footage, I was lucky enough win a ticket to see Dogma in a test screening in Red Bank months before it came out in general release. The screening was hosted by Kevin Smith, himself and I had a great time. But, it could be argued that Dogma is a lot better as a screenplay than as an actual movie. I wouldn’t consider it one of the best “View Askew” films (that credit would go to Clerks II), but it certainly is the best screenplay.

So, if you haven’t yet seen the movie, give the screenplay a try. You can find it right… here.

3) Black Snake Moan by Craig Brewer.

I am an avid reader, and I enjoy the experience of curling up with a good book, comic, screenplay… whatever. Sometimes, very rarely, I find a book so engrossing that “reading” is too passive a term for the experience. It’s more that I am transported to the world inside the book. I mean it, man! It’s like I can actually smell, feel, taste and touch the world described in the book. The Color Purple is one of those books that transport me to another world. The same thing happened the first time I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (I did that book in a marathon 24-hour session and had to call in sick at work on the following Monday because I needed the rest). Now I can add the screenplay for Craig Brewer’s Black Snake Moan to the list.

I’m becoming a big fan of Craig Brewer. Hustle and Flow was one of the more enjoyable movies of 2005, and I can’t wait to see BSM (on DVD, I missed the theatre release). If the movie is a true reflection of the screenplay, I am preparing to get my socks knocked off. Dirty South, baby. I can hear the cicada’s, I can feel the sun’s heat on my back, and that red silty soil on my feet. I can smell the cooking… taste the roasted corn... There’s the strumming of a blues guitar just around that corner…

Too much, baby…. too much…

You can find Black Snake Moan right… here.

2) Kill Bill by Quentin Tarantino.

Take Stanley Kubrick, Elmore Leonard and Roger Corman (add a touch of James Ellroy), put them into a blender and grind them up, and you would have the genetic material to make another Quentin Tarantino. He is one of the few filmmakers equally adept at making a truly cinematic movie, and producing a uniquely literary screenplay at the same time. Kill Bill is structured like a novel, in both movie and script form. Unlike most screenplays, it is separated into chapters, not into scenes, and thus can stand alone as its own document (and in my opinion, should be marketed just like the movie).

The Kill Bill screenplay contains special treats for collectors like me. It is annotated with Tarantino’s notes, providing insight into his cinematic inspirations, and highlighting how important the role music cues play in his movies. It’s wonderfully verbose and contains many scenes and storylines not shown in the ultimate release, but give great depth to the tale of the “Blood-splattered Bride”.

My favorite part of the screenplay is how he originally intended “Chapter 8 – The Cruel Tutelage of Pei Mei” to be filmed as an old-fashioned, Shaw Brother’s kung fu flick, complete with old Shaw Bros. footage, bad-dubbing by New Zealand voice actors, super-zoom close ups, and starring Lo Lieh, who originated the Pei Mei role back in the ‘70’s (unfortunately, Lo Lieh passed away before filming began).

You can find all ten chapters of Kill Bill right… here

The all time best screenplay is…

1) Avatar, a “scriptment” by James Cameron.

James Cameron, that crazy Canuck gets the credit for having the best screenplay I’ve ever read. Remember back in the late ‘90’s, just after Titanic hit big, everybody was wondering what James Cameron’s next movie would be. Although he was publicly linked with Spiderman at one point, it was rumored that Cameron was working on a bunch of ultra top secret projects. In his case “top secret” was not just a euphemism. It turns out that Cameron is part of the scientific team for NASA’s Mars Science Laboratory, planned for launch in 2009. He’s also apparently been helping to unearth Jesus’s tomb. Man, that’s one busy dude!

In February 2007, James Cameron finally announced his next movie project after an almost 10 year hiatus. In an exclusive interview on the Ain’t It Cool News website, Cameron announced he would produce and direct his long-awaited “Project 880”, otherwise known as Avatar (not to be confused with "Avatar the Last Airbender"). Fan boys rejoiced! The Avatar scriptment had been kicking around the web for a few years, and the movie was reportedly un-produce-able because it required filming in 3D technology and photorealistic computer generated imagery that was years from even being conceptualized. Not one to wait for technology to catch up, Cameron is inventing new digital filming and projecting techniques specifically for this movie.

Avatar tells the tale of a paraplegic named Joshua, who lives on an environmentally devastated future Earth. Climate change, population growth, and rapidly depleting energy resources have turned Earth into a hell world. Governments have been replaced by international global corporations that control armies that wage war all across the globe (sort of like “Blue Sun”, natch!). Josh is given a chance to leave Earth on a grand adventure. Because of a unique gift, he is one of the few chosen to travel to a newly discovered planet in a neighboring star system. He is selected to be part of a science team responsible for communicating with the humanoid alien life forms that dwell on the new planet. But soon enough, Josh finds himself at the center of a conspiracy, and he alone has to prevent a crisis which may lead to inter-galactic war between the two planets.

You can find the scriptment to Avatar… nowhere! A few years before he announced the project, Lightstorm Entertainment quietly removed all traces of the scriptment from the World Wide Web. We just have to wait until the movie comes out in 2009.

In defense of comic-book movies... (For Nerds Only)

My brother, Ngai's, response to my critique of the movie 300 went something like this: "Ali, what do you expect from a comic book movie?" At the time I muttered an agreement to his comment, because to do otherwise would make me look like a nerd.


Other people have responded in a similar manner. The general consensus is that escapist fantasy movies like 300 and other comic book movies should not be looked at too deeply. They are tales that use general archetypes to tell a story. The good guys wear white, the bad guys wear black, and never the twain shall meet. In other words: no shades of gray.

But, folks, I am a nerd! A comic book and movie nerd to be exact and I do expect shades of gray in my escapist fantasy. Let’s forgo any comments on the possible racial/gender issues that the movie may or may not raise. (Being neither Persian or sly, I may not have had the qualifications to raise such issues in the first place.) Here is a list of five things I look for in escapist fantasy, and where 300 either satisfied or failed the criteria:


Top Five "Shades of Gray" that make for good comic book movies.


1) In comic book movies, the good guys should be... kinda bad.

A good example would be Wolverine in the X-Men movies. Comic book geeks around the world were so happy with Hugh Jackman's pitch-perfect rendition of Logan's bad-ass-itude and anti-hero angst. Moral ambiguity is a must for any memorable comic book movie hero. Another good example would be Tobey Maguire's Spiderman/Peter Parker. He may not be as bad-ass as Wolverine, but if Spiderman wasn't haunted by his guilty implications in his own uncle's death, he would just be a super-powered professional wrestler.
Where 300 went wrong: The hero, King Leonidas, was not really that deep. According to the story, here was a man who was leaving his beloved wife, his son, and the city he ruled to fight in a hopeless battle sure to end in the slaughter of himself and all of his most trusted friends. I don’t care if he was the most dedicated warrior in the whole entire world, it would have helped if his character showed more than just annoyance of having to go through the whole exercise. What if his character showed real second thoughts about fulfilling his warrior’s code, at the expense of a long life with his wife and son? I think that would have been a natural human emotion that any warrior would have to wrestle with, no matter how deeply indoctrinated he/she is to the warrior code.


2) In comic book movies, the bad guys should be a little sympathetic.

Remember that scene in the first Matrix movie, where Smith was tortured Morpheus while explaining how humanity is a virus. That was a truly creepy scene, because somewhere deep inside, you could sympathize with his logic. You might not agree with the logic, but you could sympathize. And thus the bad guy was that much more scary...

Where "300" went wrong: The character, King Xerxes, was played to be the total opposite of scary or sympathetic. I mean why waste 1,000,000 warriors on pissant little Sparta. Wouldn't it have made sense for him to conquer the weaker Greek territories armies, surround the city, and then destroy Sparta through political dissention and/or open warfare? Xerxes was wasteful, not in the least sympathetic, and his cause made no sense.


3) In comic book movies, the good guy and bad guy should have a rapport.

Notice how in all the Spiderman movies, Peter Parker has some sort of personal connection with the "Big Bad"? The Green Goblin was a potential father figure who connected with Peter Parker's scientific side. Doctor Octopus also had a connection with Peter, because essentially they were both nerds in love. That connection made it all the more tragic when these characters ultimately went bad.

Where "300" went wrong: The movie overlooked a major issue that would have added some depth to the narrative. King Leonidas and King Xerxes were both monarchs presiding at the very moment on history when the monarchy was dying making way for messy, “shades of gray” democracy. That would have been an awesome way to build rapport for the two, by highlighting how each ruler handled the decline of the monarchy. King Leonidas sacrificed himself to make way for a system that would promote individual freedom over ordained rule. Xerxes on the other hand decided to ride the whole royalty thing to its ultimate, decadent end, because he knew that as soon as he stopped warring, he would have to deal with million little annoying details with running the world (food supply, infrastructure, trading rights, tort law, corrupt ministers, and noisy special interest groups). Both characters may have been kings, but they were as trapped by the system as any other citizen. That kind of rapport was inherent in the comic, almost gift-wrapped for the movie makers. It's a crime they squandered it.

4) Comic book movies should be pure spectacle.


Stunts, special effects, computer graphics! No comic book movie should be without them! The Superman movies got it right, the Spiderman movies got it right, and the X-Men movies got it right. Just make sure that the spectacle serves the story, not the other way around.


Where "300" got it right: No denying it, "300" was a shot by shot spectacle. Every frame looked beautiful. The best part was that spectacular long take of Leonidas fighting the Persian warriors; as the film speed sped up and slowed down to highlight dramatic impacts. Phenomenal fight choreography, photo composition, cinematography and direction!



5) In comic book movies, the good guy should never win.


Sure they can win the battle, they can save the day and they should have a moment of glory. But... that moment of glory should be fleeting; at best... and ultimately the moment of victory should be rife with regret and sacrifice. Superman and Lois Lane should never live happily ever after, Peter Parker should never get rich, and the X-Men should never be accepted by the humans that they fight daily to save.


Where "300" got it right: SPOILER ALERT!!!King Leonidas sacrifices himself and his 300 at Thermopylae and dies in a hail of Persian arrows, and for what? Just to prove the "God King" was nothing more than human. Such a great ending! Too bad I could have cared less...