The other day I was driving around listening to CBC radio wishing that I could live in a world where politicians always told the truth, when I decided to use my (admittedly: frazzled, overwrought) mind to conceptualize a world where for one day everybody had to tell the truth. I quickly realized that such a world would be less like a Jim Carrey-esque farce and more like a chaotic, ravaged, anarchy like London in
28 Days Later. If we all were forced to tell the truth for one day, the economy would fall, international commerce would grind to a halt and family members would murder each other in the street.
Why?
Because the truth is simply too powerful for us to handle.
Very few people can handle hearing the truth, much less telling the truth. The only people I know who can make a living off of telling the truth are stand-up comedians, and they generally lead miserable, self-destructive lives:
Richard Pryor, 1940-2005
(Once lit himself on fire.)
Sam Kinison, 1953-1992
(Snorted a hell-of-a-lot of cocaine.)
Bill Hicks, 1961-1994
(Smoked and drank all his life. Died of pancreatic cancer.)
That’s the reason so few comedies ever with the Academy Award for best picture. To the best of my knowledge, Annie Hall was the only comedy ever to win best picture.
I tried watching Annie Hall this past summer and I couldn’t get through it. It was so chock full of truth it made my skin crawl!
People always say they want the truth, but we don’t really mean it. The moment somebody starts saying something real, we start laughing, or we try to discredit them by saying that they are either vulgar or crazy. I’m going to prove it too, at great risk to my (ha, ha) reputation.
The following text will contain the top ten unadulterated, undiluted, unedited truths and I see it, and I’m betting something this post going to offend somebody.
Warning! Discretion Advised!
Both the subject matter and the language used to present the subject manner are not censored by the writer. If you are easily offended, your time would be better spent visiting this link:
Top 10 All Time Best Truths as perceived by me.
10) 99% of white people I know love the taste of chicken and watermelon.
99% of the black people I know also love the taste of chicken and watermelon.
I cannot understand how such a simple fact of life can be readily accepted for one group of people, but form the basis of ridicule and scorn for another group of people. It’s yet another indication that the human race is still has a long way to go on the evolutionary scale.
9) Every black man in North America went to work this morning wondering if this was the day he was going to get fired. He will wonder the same thing tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. And the day after…
8) It is actually possible to live a fulfilling and rewarding life
without… cable television.
7) Kicking a woman out of your organization for wearing a head scarf is just as insidious as forcing a woman to wear a full body veil. A woman should be free to wear what ever she wants and the rest of us should just butt the fuck out!
6) The term “marriage” should be used when two people make a life long love bond to each other, regardless whether the couples are heterosexual or homosexual. Heterosexuals do not hold the moral imperative over the word “marriage”. The one gay couple I know have done more honor and justice to the word “marriage” than… let’s say… Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.”
Then...
...and Now.
5) The War on Terrorism is not really about liberation. It's about oil companies justifying charging us over $4 per gallon for gas. When you look at it from that point of view, George W. Bush is the most successful president in American history.
4) It doesn’t matter if they are big or small… I just plain love boobs.
3) I’ve never felt comfortable in a church. At best I found the typical church service to be boring and at worst, oppressive and creepifying. I never even got married in a church because the only church I could conceive of attending in comfort is that one in the “Blues Brothers”, y’know with James Brown as the pastor and where Jake learns that he’s on a “mission from God”...?
But the truth is… that church never, ever really existed.
2) I do believe in God. I really do think God looks like Samuel L. Jackson. More specifically, he looks like Sam Jackson as “Jules Winnfield” in
Pulp Fiction, y’know with the Jheri curl, and the gun, and the wallet that says “Bad Mutherfucker” on it.
It may seem blasphemous or psychotic to you, but that image of God gives me absolute peace of mind.
1) The only time I truly feel connected to the universe is when I’m standing smack dab in the middle of a Tang Soo Do class.
There. I’m done telling the truth.
