Regaining the path.

It's funny how easy it is to procrastinate on the weekends.

Yesterday, my plan was to go drive and hour to visit with my mom for Mother's Day, and then visit with my sister and her kids (she just got engaged and wanted to show off her new ring), and then jump back in the car, drive an hour, hit the YMCA for a good ol' fashioned Tang Soo Do workout, and then go home feeling tired, but satisfied. Only it didn't quite work out that way.

I did make it to my mother's. I gave her a card and her gift. We chatted a while about the new house my wife, Teresa and I just bought. Then I visited with my younger brother (who's 31 and still lives at home. Hubba, hubba ladies, get him while he's hot). He and I bickered for a bit. I have a bad habit of raiding his room and "borrowing" movies from his vast DVD collection. My brother works in retail, and he gets a discount on DVD's, CD's and the like. So, like he has tons right! So every time I visit he gets real pissy because I borrow them and then don't return them for a month. I don't really blame him, though. I guess I would feel just as pissy if he borrowed my DVD's and never returned them. But, he's my little brother, and I gotta keep the pecking order in place, so I take his movies anyways.

I gotta nice haul this time: Ocean's Twelve, Princess Mononoke, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and the last to movies in the Matrix Trilogy. Of all those movies I think Princess Mononoke would count as the best, followed by Ocean's (which for some ungodly reason got panned on its release). Jay and Silent Bob is a personal favorite and close third. I was most disappointed by Hitchhiker's, sorry to say. As a long-time fan of the book, the radio shows and the original TV series (i.e., I'm a supernerd, can you tell?), I was really looking forward to this movie adaption. But the damn storyline just fell apart for me. There was stuff there that didn't need to be there. I mean what the hell was Malkovich doing in that movie? It wasn't even a decent cameo. Still, I do give points for the singing dolphins and Martin Freeman, Mos Def and (my sexy lady) Zooey Deschanel did the best with a faulty script. And as always, Sam Rockwell was the bomb.

Anyhoo, said goodbye to the Mom's and went over to my sister's. Got to visit with my nephew (age 6) and niece (age 2). My nephew and I played Spiderman on his Gameboy. He still had his PJ's on, and he's really skinny so whenever he walks his pants fall down to reveal a wee, little plumber's smile. I told him that his butt must be broken cause I could see it had been cracked. He didn't think that that was so funny, so he hit me in the chest with a Koosh ball. We played Koosh tag for a while. I wanted to tag one off his head, but that little kid's pretty fast, and my aim was never that good. My niece was sleepy at first, my sister wanted to put her down for a nap. But we raised such a commotion, that my niece was running around after me and her brother. Just when I riled them up to the peak of insanity, I kissed my sister goodbye and went home.

Two for two... heh...heh...heh...

Now here's where my plan fell apart. I was supposed to go to the Y to work out. I had all intentions to be good, work up a good sweat and finally take time to practice my techniques. It has been a year since I left my original studio (or as we say in TSD, dojang) in Pennsylvania, so practice times have been few and far between.

A lot of my time since then has been spent getting my life back together here in Canada. Been searching for a job, and then shopping for a home, commuting an hour back and forth to work, searching for a space to work out had to be put on the back burner for a while, not to mention starting my own studio. This weekend was the first weekend that I had actual time to work out.

But I wiffed it.

Stayed at home.

Nursed a low grade headache and watched Ocean's Twelve.

So last night I went to bed feeling guilty.

And woke up this morning feeling guilty.

Lunch, still guilty.

"Why did I procrastinate?" I asked myself. "Why did I whimp out."

Because you're scared. Myself answered back.

"Scared of what?" I asked again.

Scared of being a f*cking fraud!

As ususal, "Myself" that deep dark inner me that contains my conscience was right. I was terrified.

I started taking martial arts back in 1998. I was twenty five when I first stepped inside that Tang Soo Do studio. Before that I had never taken part in any sports at all. I was always the skinny kid in school, somewhat unpopular, never really that interested in sports. It seems no matter how old I get, there's still that scared, skinny kid inside my head.

There were three major events that helped me shed all that fear. The first was going away for university. I was able to leave highschool and all that emotional baggage behind and start new. The second event was meeting Teresa. I met her in my third year, her second. My first thought when I first met her was: "Forget it dude, she's waaay out of your league." A year later, we were practically living together.

The third event was studying Tang Soo Do. For seven straight years I poured blood, sweat and tears on that studio floor.

And with the help and guidance of some very special folks like my head instructor Master Vaughn, my senior instructors Mister White, Mister Altiere, Mr. Lipstein and Doc Rosenkrans,



I was able to achieve a milestone! I was granted my black belt!

Along the way I was able to give back to the studio as a mentor to the kids. I was able to pass along a lot of the lessons I learned as a child to these kids, which their parents appreciated. I became a leader. I became a better husband, and I learned some skills that will one day make me a good father.

And then I moved back to Canada. It's been almost a year since my last official class.

I was afraid that having taken a break from training for so long, I had lost a lot of what the art has given me. I was afraid that I was dishonoring the art. I was afraid, just like I always was as a kid.

So what did I do?

This evening I packed my uniform (or do bohk), and headed out the the Y. I practiced my forms for an hour. It was a little bit less than the two hour classes I'm used to, but it's a start. It's a new beginning. I am on a new journey.

I just am glad to be able to get back on the path.